My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
