i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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