You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
