he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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