i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize