Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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