I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I've blown a few things in my day
There was a lot of him and a little penis
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
