My hair reeks of homosexuality.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
