they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
