If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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