I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
