mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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