Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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