im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
