I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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