I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
