He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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