Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
