If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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