There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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