u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This is the high leading the old right now
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
