Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
