You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
