I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
