why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
