i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
