I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
