Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
