Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize