got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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