I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
