i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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