she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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