It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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