my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
