I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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