last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
