no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
