I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
