I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize