You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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