I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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