im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
