Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
