Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
