come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
