So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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