using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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