I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
