another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
