my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
