I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
