then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
