Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
