Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize