i think i have two assholes
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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