just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
