I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize