you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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