So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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