can u get pink eye on your cock?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
foreskin is a definite game changer
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize