my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
