Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize